Thursday, October 30, 2008

Dating Rituals


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3- carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.


First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.


First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

So How Did You Meet him?

We share the same probation officer.

My dog was humping his dog.

He dropped his rucksack on the tube and I helped him put the wires back.

It was just coincidence that our appointments at the STD clinic were on the same evening.

He used to date my daughter.

He used to date my ex-husband.

I bought him on EBay - he was part of a bulk lot.

I tripped over his guide dog.
In the newsagents, when I was buying Bunty and he was getting the last part of the ‘Serial Killers of the 20th Century’ partwork

Friday, October 17, 2008

Another shit/vomit combo.....

A mate of mine....why are all my stories about other people? I guess I'm quite glad actually....went to someone's party when he was at school years ago. The evening was in full swing, when he noticed there was a massive queue for the bog. He went to the front of the queue, and it turned out one of his friends he had brought with him had been in there for ages and ages. After banging on the door and shouting his name for 5 minutes, they decided to break the door down, only to find a hellish vision. This guy, having apparently drank most of a bottle of vodka, had gone for a shit, and while he was sat there had been violently sick all over the wall and fallen off the pan. He was lying there unconscious, covered in shit and vomit. They cleaned him as much as they could, and picked him up to try and get him out of the house

He came to just as they reached the top of the stairs, and slipped out of their grasp. Without managing to break his neck, he feel donw the stairs, vomiting as he went, landing in a heap at the bottom. Miraculously, he was ok, and the fall seemed to have revived him a bit too. They managed to get him outside, and full of relief, stopped to take a breather. The guy again broke loose, and sprinted up the road before they could grab him. By the time they caught up with squatting in the middle of the road doing a massive shit, as cars beeped their horns and stared in disbelief. It was at this stage 7 o'clock in the evening in bright sunlight....